Like not in a fucked up way, but because I got real soft skin, you’ll see. And my mom, she looks at me, she says, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” She said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” And then she slid her hand down the back of my pants. I remember, because I was watching Dallas and the Dukes of Hazzard, right? And I’m sitting on the couch, and I’m crying. And they got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty. You call me that in the street, I’m gonna cut your dick off, okay? Thank you so much.
And I was good, and the better I got, the broader my shoulders got… and then they started calling me Lurch, that guy from the Addam’s Family. Like for a while, I had just one front tooth… and my brothers back in Bryant called me Fang, right? So I joined the swim team to get some dignity and some self-respect. When I was a little girl, I was real fucked up looking. But I gotta tell you, it wasn’t always like this. I know a lot of you, you look up here… and all you see is a classic, all-American beauty Bridget Everett. You ever seen a pussy before? Oh, shit! You like feet? Yeah? That’s cute. I was just recently diagnosed with shortness of breath. All right, let me just sit down for a second. You guys been to the show before? And you’re sitting in the front row? You sick bitch. What the fuck? What the fuck is about to happen? You don’t know and neither do I! Hey, honey, hi. Bridget, you wearing a bra? Nope, don’t need one! Next question. Let me just clear up a couple quick things.
What’s up, everybody? Anybody freaking out right now? Yeah, you should be! Oh, shit. ♪ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck some shit up ♪ Living large, loving large and Barry fucking Manilow! Yeah!
But if she was here, she would tell you that there are three things in life that matter. Ladies and gentlemen, my mother couldn’t be here tonight. Some of you may not know me, but you will not fucking forget me! I’m coming here tonight to get drunk and talk about love… whatever the fuck that is! I hope you’re ready, honey! Because shit is about to get ridiculous! That’s right, honey, I’d fuck anything… even you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Joe’s Pub! My name is Bridget Everett. ♪ Everybody better freak the fuck out ♪ ♪ The Bridge is coming down She’s turning it out ♪ ♪ No one can tell where that woman’s been ♪ ♪ But she’s smiling in the night Her mouth filled with sin ♪ ♪ So get ready and hold your man tight ♪ ♪ Because a bitch is fucking hungry she’s ready to bite ♪ ♪ Her legs are burning The lion will scream ♪ ♪ Little boys everywhere living the dream ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it up ♪ That concludes part seven of our– Excuse me, my water just broke, you filthy, fucking cunt! ( CROWD CHEERING ) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, Bridget Everett! ( PHONE VIBRATES ) Oh, shit! ( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ) My baby! Boy, it really is windy out here… but it is expected to get increasingly windy as the night goes by. If Jesus Christ were alive today, he’d have great tits… he’d be singing cabaret and his name would be Bridget fucking Everett. I don’t care that I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t care who knows. The garbage is Bridget’s pussy and I’m the raccoon. You ever seen a raccoon in a garbage? That’s me… with Bridget’s pussy. I am vegan, and I would like to suckle on Bridget’s tits. Every night, when I tuck my little girls in… I tell them, “If you work really hard, and you dream really, really big… “and you stick with it, one day when you’re big, big girls… “if you’re really lucky… “you just might be the next Bridget Everett.” Do you know how much I’d like to suckle on Bridget’s titties? So much. ( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ) I keep a picture of Bridget on my nightstand… because even though I’ve been in over 175 movies… I look at that picture and know that I can do better. Recorded at Joe’s Pub at the Public Theater
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